Tuesday, April 1, 2014

A Movement to Ban Jaguar E-Types

A mothers movement has been established to remove the classic Jaguar E-Type from the nation's highways because it resembles a phallus. Wendy Bouffant, 41 of Dallas, Texas is a mother of three teenage daughters who was horrified to see what she calls, "a shocking resemblance between that car and the male sexual organ." 

Wendy Bouffant
Ms. Bouffant's crusade began last year on April 1 when she and her daughters happened upon a group of Jaguars parked outside a high-end restaurant in downtown Dallas. "We stopped on the way in to admire these old cars - they were all parked right at the front door - when my oldest daughter, Kaylee- she's 17, saw a long sports car and mentioned how much she liked its looks. I looked over at the car she was talking about and saw her running her finger down the fender of it and I was just dumbstruck," she said. "I was almost screaming at her to get away from it and don't touch things like that."

Ms. Bouffant's cries were overheard by the maitre d' who rushed outside to offer his assistance. Upon hearing of the cause for her distress, he explained that these cars were owned by some of his most loyal customers and, having known them for many years, could vouch for their impeccable taste and community standing. Thoroughly nonplussed, Ms. Bouffant gathered up her daughters and left the parking lot, shielding her 13 year-old's eyes from the sight of the sports car that upset her sense of propriety.

"When I got home, I started searching the Internet to see exactly what that horrible car was. I found out that it was called an XKE." 
A Jaguar E-Type, Being Touched

The more Ms. Bouffant researched the Jaguar, the more convinced she became that it was menace to the young women of America. "I knew instantly," she said snapping her fingers," that its first initial being an 'X' it had to be something smutty. I saw pictures of that car with young women just draped all over it. Let me tell you, it does not belong out in public. It's pornographic."

With the counsel and encouragement of her pastor, the Reverend Will B. Dunn of the Congregation on the Edge in Dallas, Ms. Bouffant is organizing Texans United to Remove Disgusting Sportscars. Its mission is to ban the iconic E-Type from the highways of the state of Texas, "and hopefully, the rest of America, too," Ms. Bouffant adds. 

A core group of TURDS is bringing the issue to the attention of Texas state politicians via phone calls and face to face visits with state representatives and the governor. Ms. Bouffant stated that aides to Governor Rick Perry "listened closely and offered support for her fledgling organization. They told me that they have been investigating the possible connection of these disgusting cars to Obama's liberal agenda".

A rally on the statehouse steps drew tens of people to hear about this threat to the minds of Texas' young women. Ms. Bouffant stated that afterwards she was approached by several "like-minded, right-thinking people," for assistance in starting a chapter of TURDS in their hometowns.   

When contacted by this writer for a reaction to this story, a Jaguar Land Rover North America spokesman said, "Go away."


  1. Rodney, had this been posted on any other day I might have disagreed but some how today I feel that Ms. Bouffant is absolutely correct and I support her 100%,

  2. As opposed to certain German sports cars where the resemblance is most apparent behind the wheel.

  3. I can see the value of my car plummeting already.


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